S.Y.S Series: Joy Jordan - From Trauma to Motherhood
Depression and anxiety were normal for me growing up. My dad has it, and his mom had it. I remember being at church, in youth group, with thoughts of suicide and sadness. I could never truly explain why. It could’ve been my parent’s divorce when I was 6, or the serious disease (uveitis) that almost took my ability to see, or the fact that I was being bullied for it, or a little bit of everything. Growing up, I was a honor roll student, I played piano, I played soccer, I was in dance, etc.
I had been to many therapists for my anxiety and depression. I always had a difficult time feeling comfortable enough to open up about why I was feeling the way I did. I didn’t even really know. How do I explain what I don’t understand?
Fast forward to high school, I let my depression get the best of me. I started skipping school, and barely graduated, despite my good grades. Thankfully, I did graduate with my senior class in 2012, and that summer I got an internship at an oil and gas company, doing administrative work.
I figured I was on the right track, until the day I was raped by 2 males. Looking back on it, it traumatized me more than I was willing to realize. That summer changed everything. I began spiraling into a deeper depression.
I started hanging around people I shouldn’t have been around. Through that, I developed an addiction to Xanax. It made me feel numb, which was better than feeling everything and not understanding why. I lost a lot of weight, I was barely home, spent days on end just getting high and not thinking about anything. Depression and addiction took me away from everything and everyone that I loved.
One day, after coming down from being awake for too many days to count, I just lost it. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be here anymore. No one knew what I had gone through. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. I was too scared of what might or might not happen. I allowed them to have power over me, after years of slowly killing myself to forget it ever happened. February 2015, I attempted to commit suicide.
I was taken to the hospital, and then transferred to a behavioral hospital. They provided counseling, workbooks and group therapies that helped better than any therapist I had been to before. I thank them for that.
Once I got out, I relapsed for a couple months, until I got into a car accident with my best friend in the passenger seat. I realized I’m not only hurting myself, I’m hurting everyone that loves and cares about me. That was the last day I consumed that silent killing drug. From that day forward, I promised myself that I would live life like it’s worth living.
Fast forward 5 years later, I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter, a wonderful loving family, and a life that I would never want to take myself away from again. I pulled out my keyboard again. I discovered a new talent I have in painting. I would’ve never been able to witness this type of joy. I wake up every morning thankful that I get to live this life of discovery, love, growth, and motherhood.
My story was not done yet, and it still isn’t. Neither is yours. I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone, but that was my fear telling me that no one would care. So many people care. I care. Depression and addiction might’ve taken me away from everything and everyone I loved, but suicide didn’t, & I’m so thankful for that.